I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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