New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
