youre lurking in front of me
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
