So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
