my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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