how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
