dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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