i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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