Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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