I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
