I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
