Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
