Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He shit in the fireplace
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
