Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
