i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
