this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Randomize
