someone threw a dead crab at me
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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