im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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