i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
