I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm sobbing to NWA
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
