There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
