I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
