Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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