you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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