vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
May the power of my ass compel you!!
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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