I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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