My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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