here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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