so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
