some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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