Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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