Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
