Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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