put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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