you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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