Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize