planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
