I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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