I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
