I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I skipped work to stalk him.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
