I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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