the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
