I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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