Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
