I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
