Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
