I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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