dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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