JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
