Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
