I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
