Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He kissed a someone with a penis
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
