wrigley field is MILF paradise
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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