I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's shark week go big or go home
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
