And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
