i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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