She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
